Gender: It’s Fucking Complicated

Yet another post composed entirely of my barely intelligible midnight ramblings…

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I picture my gender as this huge snarled up ball of yarn. Knotted up beyond all hope. And here I am locked inside my head with a ball of yarn approximately the size of an SUV trying to untangle the damn thing. I’ve been wrestling with it for  over a year now. I’ve moved from sealing it off from the rest of my mind and refusing to engage with it to actively confronting it everyday and struggling to sort it out. For all I’ve done and said and felt and thought and tried I’m not sure I’m any further along than when I started. I still don’t know what the fuck I am or how to express myself.

I started this blog about two months ago with the goal of providing relatable personal narratives about my experience with gender for other non-binary gendered people, who like me might be using the internet as their primary tool for learning about their gender. I also felt that this would more than likely help me untangle some of what is in my head by writing things out in a linear way. I think its helped some, but what I need now more than anything is discourse. I need active engagement with other people with non normative genders, I need to work together with others to find ways to creatively express myself through multiple mediums (aka I need art projects). Speaking my experiences into the void of the internet is a good start, but its not enough. I need art projects, because if I can’t accurately express my gender within the narrow parameters of binary gender expression, then I’d like to approach this (self expression and gender) from another angle.

The internet is no substitute for real community and it shouldn’t have to be, but here I am spending hours a day scouring the internet for resources and information related to non-binary genders. I do it almost compulsively, even though, at this point, I know I’ve seen and read pretty much everything there is on the topic. Even when I feel gross and drained from being on the internet for too long I keep at it, obsessively trying to find experiences that I can relate to and that will help me answer my questions, even though I know the answers aren’t out here. plus this is just too passive a means of interaction. I need real conversations with real people. If I want to make room for more than just the two binary genders, I’m going to need to do it here, in my community with other people who have genders like mine and that’s going to have to start with conversations.

I struggle with my gender. I’m actively engaged in a wrestling match with it and on top of that I feel trapped and boxed in by the gender binary, as if the room I’m locked in with the ball of yarn is too small for me to untangle it because there’s barely enough space for me and the ball of yarn as it is. I need to talk to other people who feel this way.

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4 thoughts on “Gender: It’s Fucking Complicated

  1. honestly, this post seems familiar to me. a year ago, i spent hours every day desperately scouring the internet for reading material on non-binary gender, non-binary bloggers to mull things over with. at this point, i feel like i’m part of a trans* blogging community and i feel less alone than i used to. i still spend a lot of time on the internet reading blogs, obviously. mwa.

    i’m in a space where i’m comfortable knowing that my gender is neither male nor female (nor any combination thereof). i don’t know how to tell if i really have a gender– maybe i have a rainbow-scratchy gender or maybe there’s nothing there at all. i’m ok with the vagueness cuz i feel like it leaves me more room for flexibility. like i can celebrate my (non-)gender without worrying about the exact nature of it.

    “I feel trapped and boxed in by the gender binary…”

    oh, cat, that’s an uncomfortable feeling! i feel like that, too– but i try to remind myself that gender is neither a binary nor a spectrum– but a galaxy! and then i imagine myself in a little rainbow spaceship zipping around the galaxy in search of newer and weirder planets than i’ve ever visited before. it’s fun (and i’m easily amused).

    if you start any art projects, will you post them online? cuz i love experiencing art!

    also, i love to chase chew on yarn, just saying.

    Reply
  2. I really like the concept of gender as a galaxy, that’s definitely the model of gender I subscribe to, but sometimes I just find the societal obsession with the gender binary to be kind of overwhelming. And yeah, I’ll totally post any art projects I start her on my blog.

    Reply
  3. yep, everybody’s obssessed with the gender binary. know what i do to fuck with their brains? i wear a gender tag! it’s a blank sticker that i write “woman, man, both, neither” on with a little box beside each word. then i tick the box beside “neither.” i wear it everywhere and lotsa people notice; my little gender tag starts all sorts of exciting conversations.

    but, yeah, sometimes i just want to either punch somebody in the throat or just go to sleep. oog.

    Reply
  4. hahaha that’s a pretty good idea. I’m lucky that I don’t have to deal with cis people I want to punch in the throat too often, except on the internet. Funny how that works.

    Reply

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