Searching For My Gender

So I’ve said before that one of the reasons I am writing this blog is because I feel like there need to be more widely available accounts of non-binary trans experiences. Well, the other reason I’m writing this blog is because I don’t actually know what exactly my gender identity is, non-binary trans* is as specific as I can really be at present. I hope, that by writing this blog I can work through my mental processes and figure out how exactly Ido feel about my gender (I’m quite good at talking about how I don’t identify). I know that I am not male, female, a mixture of both or anywhere in between.

I feel like I am probably either third gender or agendered, but the problem I run into with third gender (and to some extent with agender) is that I don’t really know what a gender expression would look like for third gender (or for agender, what a total lack of gender would look like) and that makes me feel trapped. The thing is, I can only draw from my knowledge and experience with gender all of which is contained within the parameters of the male to female spectrum, which I know I definitely am not on. How do you create a gender expression, or lack there of, from scratch? (I do not want to draw from a spectrum I don’t identify with), I don’t think its possible.

As far as agender goes, gender neutrality, which is what I would be going for is usually achieved it seems through androgyny which is not agendered, but rather a mix of male and female. Why would i define or present my genderlessness in binary terms? That just seems so frustrating.

I’m looking for an empty space to create my gender free from the influence of the gender binary/male-female spectrum, but I feel so trapped by it and I don’t know how to get out. I’ve been told you can only experience freedom from the position of freedom, thing is, I still have find my way there first, and sometimes I’m not even sure it exists, this freedom, this empty space the dominant culture just seems so crowded with binary gendered messaging, its really overwhelming sometimes.

Sorry this post is sorta rambly and disjointed, but seeing as my gender is “in progress” that’s pretty  much how my thoughts on the matter are: rambly and disjointed.

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